The first time I went I just wanted a spa day because I was nursing a broken heart. Like real broken. Like my boss gave me a book titled "How to Heal Broken Heart in 30 days" because she could see how sad I was. Anyways, I needed some time with a friend and some spa—and I alas needed to make about an extra $400 each paycheck to make it happen. So, my friend, San Francisco Stylephile, told me about a spa she had tried out and that they man-handled you and you saw lots of lady bits. As she was telling me about the traumatizing event I knew I needed it to happen to me. Lady bits is right. Never have I seen so many lady bits. My father is from Japan and I have been to bath houses all over that country and even seen stranger-man bits, had my lady bits poked at my older ladies with smaller bits, tried to cover my bits unsuccessfully with small towels and XXXL robes. I thought I couldn't be shocked.
Well, I was.
First they yell out your number and you trudge upstairs. They smile and then you lay down. They scrub every single last inch of your body. It is rough. They have you on your front, back and each sides. They scrub behind your ears, between your toes and your inner thighs (woo!) One of the ladies is rougher than the other one, but I never remember until her wee hands are scrubbing me into submission. Both women though are tiny and wearing black Cross-my-Heart Playtex type bras and black granny panties with a touch of lace. Why do I keep talking about both ladies? Because you are in the same room with someone else. Someone else also has to move their legs to the side or up or to the left. When legs move—you got some lady bits. IN YOUR FACE. So, you learn quick to close your eyes. Then they heave buckets of water on to you and you get back on the table for the massage. I have come home bruised from these massages, but I am squeaky clean and super relaxed too. It costs about 100 bucks which is pricey, but considering how much spa days cost at a normal boring facility without lady bits, Korean gossip and a general sense that being womanly is awesome it is quite a steal. Go early and clean your dirty body before the Korean ladies scrub you and then plunge in the cold pool. Also, there is no greater hangover cure than this should you have imbibed too much.
Five Star Experience.
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Dude, you forgot the part about the gray skin worms. And the part where they take a mop pail full of white stuff and throw it on you and say, "milk" by way of explanation when you rub your eyes and sputter, "Um?!"
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